If Nick Valentine Were Your Boyfriend

Fallout 4's very own hardboiled gumshoe doesn't have a heart, but he sure is a heartthrob.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, every time he swallowed nervously and handed you a bouquet of flowers, you would see his adam's apple actually ratchet up and down and it would be kind of grotesque, actually.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, everything you own would smell like his cigarettes, even your cat. You don't even have a cat, they just follow him around for some reason, and by extension they follow you around as well. So now you have a cat. Which smells like Nick.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, you would end up keeping a mental tally of the things he compares to midnight on a moonless night.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he'd feel a just a tiny bit threatened whenever you talk about how great you thought Legion in Mass Effect was, but he wouldn't voice his insecurities about that because he's not that kind of guy.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he'd use his needle-fingers to comb the dirt and dust out of your hair after a long day ransacking hundred-year-old buildings for potted meat.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he'd drop everything to help you with his hacker skills every time your computer broke down, and he'd never complain about it. He did this before you started dating too, but you notice the corner of his lips turn up while he does it now like he quietly really enjoys it.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he'd be capable of bypassing the password on every device you own, but he'd never do that, because he respects you too much.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, at first he'd be too self-conscious to let you help him spray a compressed-air keyboard-cleaner down his neck, but then gradually he'd grow to trust you, and soon you'd be spraying compressed air from a keyboard-cleaner down his neck all the time. Eventually, he even shyly admits that he'd like it if you could do that a little harder.

Braaaaziiiil, where hearts were entertained in Juuuune, we stood beneath an amber moooooon... Braaaaziiiil, where hearts were entertained in Juuuune, we stood beneath an amber moooooon...

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, you would buy large quantities of Goo-Gone and extra-strength Windex to use on his skin, and then he would say, "don't you love me the way I am," and you would say "I just want you to look presentable for the award ceremony," and he would say "I don't give a damn about the award ceremony, honey!! I don't do this for the awards!!!" and he'd stomp off into the rain and then when he came home he wouldn't let you wash the trenchcoat, either, because he has no skin underneath it, and it's the principle of the thing.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, you'd be the only one with the password to his backup hard drive (the hard drive where he backs himself up). You're pretty sure you don't have the skills to do anything with this information anyway, but it's the thought that counts. The incredibly kinky thought.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he wouldn't quite understand your compulsion to sing along whenever 'Crawl Out Through the Fallout' comes on the radio, but he'd call it cute anyway.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he'd go on dinner dates with you to Takahashi's noodle stand and end up holding forth on why Blade Runner is so overrated and not all that good at all, actually. At some point he'd break off and glance at you with a sheepish apology, but you tell him you don't mind, honestly. You thought the book was better too.

If Nick Valentine were your boyfriend, he quite literally could not catch anything from you in bed. So feel free to go wild.

Image source: lady-of-rohan on Tumblr Image source: lady-of-rohan on Tumblr

Many thanks to Laura Michet who contributed roughly half of this list. This article draws its influence from The Toast's If X Were Your Y series, to which we here at ZAM owe a huge debt!