The goofiest weapons in videogames
I don’t know about y’all, but I’m kind of tired of all these guns that military shooters keep throwing at my feet and expecting me to be impressed. The M14s, the Benelli shotguns, the oh-so-real guns with customabizle bits and bobs that don’t make them anymore exciting. All the weapons in these particular video games look and feel the same, creativity sacrificed to the altar of reality.
No no no. Let’s forget that trite. Give me the goofy guns, the absolutely outrageous stuff that spews rainbows and dangerous fish. Give me more of these.
The Land Shark Gun from Armed and Dangerous
What’s better than bullets and bombs? Sharks.
No really, it’s true. In Armed and Dangerous, Planet Moon Studios’ last truly great game, you got a gun that shot sharks at people! The sharks would swim beneath the ground and then erupt suddenly, emerging to chomp your foes and pull them into the depths to be devoured. The other weapons in Armed and Dangerous are pretty great too, including a black hole creator.
Too bad we'll never get a sequel that lets us dual wield shark cannons...
The Hivehand from Half-Life
Half-life had a nice little mix of real weapons (shotguns and assault rifles) and schlocky sci-fi stuff, like a laser that could make dudes explode into entrails and skulls or the beloved Snarks, space rats you could sic on your enemies to gobble them up. My favorite weapon from the game is the Hivehand AKA the hornet gun, which is exactly what it sounds like: a weapon that lets you shoot colorful hornets at enemies, stinging them until they die. Gruesome and delightful!
It’s a bit of a shame that Half-Life 2’s weaponry didn’t house the same creativity that the first game and its expansion packs did. They could have at least brought back the hornet gun and let me chase evil Orwellian troops down the street with clouds of stinging insects tailing behind them.
Lulu’s dolls from Final Fantasy X
Lulu is one of Final Fantasy X's more interesting characters, thanks to her stern attitude and her ridiculously powerful elemental spells that she channels through various dolls. But hey, they're not creepy dolls at least. They're actually kind of cute...but still deadly enough that you probably don't want to touch them.
Fat Man From Fallout 3
It’s a portable nuclear missile launcher. The ludicrousness explains itself. You’re more likely to kill yourself with this weapon than actually use it effectively. Still, it’s pretty entertaining to launch a mini-nuke at some enemies across a pond and then watch as their limbs go flying in every direction. Of course, you fire that thing a bit too close and it’s your dismembered foot that will be doing a 180 in the air.
Kanji’s folding chair from Persona 4
All the main characters in Persona 4 have eyebrow-raising weapons like imitation katanas and expensive sneakers, but Kanji’s folding chair is the most amusing one. As a complicated subversion of your typical gym kid stereotype, Kanji is lovable and packs quite a punch, beating enemies over the head with his array of chairs, each one more powerful than the last. The silliness of slapping foes with such an object meshes with everyone's favorite Punk With a Golden Heart rather well.
The Chainsaw Bayonet from Gears of War
The chainsaw bayonet attached to the Lancer assault rifles in Gears of War is probably the series’ most recognizable icon. It’s a stupidly impractical attachment but it’s also deeply satisfying to let that thing rip and carve your foes into failed meat sculptures. What a goofy universe-- this military sci-fi game asks us to take in its grimdark, serious atmosphere and then follows up those overly serious sequences with scenes of macho dudes chainsawing monsters with a gun. It’s so gloriously stupid you can't help but respect it even if you don't love it.
The Suck Cannon from Rachet & Clank, Up Your Arsenal
There’s been a lot of chatter about an upcoming weapon in Fallout 4 that lets you shoot random junk out of a canon at enemies. And yeah, that’s fine and dandy, but it’s got nothing on the suck cannon, a weapon that devours enemies and then recycles them into ammo. Quite possibly the most Looney Toons-esque weapon in games and a delight to use.
Everything from Saints Row
Where to even begin? We’re talking about a series that lets you beat aliens to death with dildo bats and drive around town in a convertible while a tiger tries to maul you. Saints Row is the undisputed lord of goof and its arsenal, ranging from anal probes to pimp canes, is best representative of its wacky lunacy. My personal favorite? The dubstep gun, which drops an atom bomb of a beat on top of enemies’ heads, annihilating them with terrible tunes.
Morningstar from Borderlands 2
Morningstar is one of the more powerful weapons in Borderlands 2, but the sniper rifle has a bit of a drawback. No, it’s not slow to reload and it doesn’t chip away at your health in a devil’s deal for higher damage. It talks to you. Well, “it screeches at you” would probably be more accurate. “Oh great, now you’re wasting ammo,” the rifle snarks when you reload, and “That’s MURDER by most definitions” when you score a headshot. Annoying? Absolutely, but incredibly amusing as well.
The Power Fist from Fallout
Who wouldn’t want a giant slab of metal you could fit over your fist to literally punch someone’s head off? Ok, well, maybe a lot of people, but I am not among them. I love recreating the scene from Jason Takes Manhattan where everyone’s favorite serial killer punches a dude’s head off his neck and sends it soaring over the rooftops. And boy does Fallout 3’s various power fists give me that opportunity. Only in Fallout can you listen to someone’s story of woe and misery and then go into their camp and punch everyone to death with a fist made of robot.