The top 10 games for punching a Nazi
As winter draws near, many Americans are curling up indoors with a nice mug of hot chocolate, watching the snow fall outside as they partake in one of the greatest American past-times: killing Nazis.
As an avid supporter of the general practice of punching Nazis in the jaw, I have compiled a list of the top ten greatest Nazi-smashing and -killing games, here for your viewing and playing pleasure. Have fun, and remember: times and politics may change, but the only good Nazi is still a dead one.
10. Bionic Commando
Bionic Commando, having originally launched in 1987, hasn’t aged entirely well. It’s a platformer game where the player can’t jump, instead grappling to ledges with his mighty bionic arm. Armed with an upgradable machine-gun, flare bombs, and the title’s namesake prosthetic, you’ll control Ladd Spencer as he fights his way through the enemy’s ranks. The game really shines through in the end of the game, where you confront Adolf Hitler himself in a giant flying superweapon. After defeating Hitler, the player is treated to a wonderful display of Hitler’s head exploding in a shower of classic NES-style gore. Juicy!
9. Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Persona 2 is an interesting little Japanese RPG about a group of high-school misfits who discover that rumors are becoming reality across Sumaru City. During their adventures, they’ll fight monsters, form contracts with demons, and finally, square off against the resurrected Adolf Hitler himself and his troupe of Nazi super-soldiers known as The Last Battalion. Like a few other entries on this list, Innocent Sin hasn’t aged well since it released in 1999, so here’s hoping Atlus will consider remaking the game, allowing us to watch in beautiful high definition as a cute little snowman punches Hitler right in the gut.
8. Wolfenstein 3D
It would be cheating in every conceivable use of the word to not include Wolfenstein 3D in this list. Id Software originally released this classic in ’92, and the title has seen re-releases on a plethora of consoles ever since. Wolfenstein dotes on the player with weapons of destruction such as rocket launchers, chain-guns, and even a flamethrower if you like your fascists extra crispy. Lovingly referred to as the granddaddy of first-person shooters, Wolfenstein 3D introduced basic FPS mechanics that would be used for years to come, as well as cooking up a hunger for Nazi blood that we still yearn to sate to this day. Most recently, the Wolfenstein series has seen new life at MachineGames, beginning with The New Order in 2014.
7. Dialogue 3D
There are some people who think that violence against the Nazis makes us just as bad as them, so this modification of the original Wolfenstein explores just that idea! Dialogue 3D allows you to engage in a debate with these genocidal folks even as they shoot at you, allowing you to maintain your moral high ground and obey the law! As a game with no offensive combat options, it is truly a game for the tolerant left.
6. Dino D-Day
What’s big, red, runs at twelve miles per hour, hates minorities, and has tiny hands? Why, it’s none other than a Nazi T-Rex! Dino D-Day is a team-based first-person shooter using the Source engine, where you and a rag-tag team of soldiers must stare down a horde of ravenous Nazi dinosaurs. The game gives the player a more realistic arsenal than most other titles on this list, allowing for a wide variety of weapons ranging from rocket launchers to shotguns. Even as you’re surrounded by all sides by velociraptors and triceratops, be brave and stand your ground; their peanut-sized brains are only slightly larger than your average Nazi’s.
5. Metro 2033
There’s only a few things better than shooting Nazis, and that’s wearing a cool gas mask while you blast them to pieces. While Metro 2033 garnered praise at launch for its stunning graphics and environmental storytelling, the game also features a Nazi faction that you can riddle with bullets and filet with your survival knife. If that weren’t enough, Metro 2033 also bestows the player with the Helsing, a pneumatic harpoon gun that fires spears through your enemy; perfect for fascist shish-kebabs. Do your best to make your way through the Moscow sewers, survive the post-apocalypse wasteland of Mother Russia, and take down a few Nazis while you’re at it!
4. Call of Duty 2
Call of Duty 2 was a ground-breaking game at the time, and the series continued to innovate right up until it started releasing the same game every year. CoD 2 of course featured the series’ trademark multiplayer, but it also features a gripping single-player campaign where the player assumes the role of three separate protagonists, each tasked with the charge of protecting their nation from the invading Germans. While it’s always fun to riddle Nazis with bullets, the real fun comes into play with the Panzerschreck, the game’s premier anti-tank weapon. Throw ammo conservation to the wind and watch the so-called Master Race explode into little pieces!
3. Red Orchestra 2: Heroes of Stalingrad
The Red Orchestra series is known for its incredibly realistic depiction of combat, totally immersing the player in the muddy trenches of Stalingrad. As you pump lead into the bodies of your Nazi foes, you’ll notice the weight of your magazines, the spin of your bullets, and the blood dripping from your enemy’s carcass. There’s no better feeling than lining up a Nazi in your sights, squeezing the trigger, and watching your bullet catch them in the head. For a realistic Nazi-killing experience, the Red Orchestra provides like no other.
2. Sniper Elite V2
The Sniper Elite games, while not having the greatest reviews, do have one feature that elevates this title to the number two slot on this list: you can shoot Adolf Hitler in the balls. Yes, you read that right. The game allows you to slowly squeeze the trigger as Hitler passes by, watching in slow motion as your bullet tears through both of Adolf’s testes. If that’s not enough to satisfy, the ‘Kill Hitler’ mission returns in Sniper Elite V3, as well as V4, along with a multitude of new ways to finish the Führer.
1. Wolfenstein: The New Colossus
Few games have upset actual Nazis quite as much as the latest entry in the Wolfenstein series, and for good reason; the game takes the art of Nazi slaughter and raises it to a whole new level. Chop a Nazi up with an axe, feed him to a giant metal dog, or simply blow his head off with a blast from your trusty shotgun. The possibilities are endless, and don’t even get me started on the antics you can get up to with a Klansman and a few handfuls of explosives! In Wolfenstein: The New Colossus, the only thing stronger than B.J. Blazkowicz’s jawline is his resolve to hunt down and kill every last Nazi, and you’ll have a fine time helping him do it.
What are your favorite fascist-smashing games? Let us know in the comments below!